Sorry I haven’t posted in about 2 weeks! I was on holiday in Thailand and I will have a post up soon all about that. But for today, I have something a little more serious and I’m hoping someone can relate. If anyone is feeling this way, then please drop me an e-mail and tell me all about it. I’d love to hear your story. This is mine.
For as long as I can remember I have been riddled with anxiety. It started at a young age, probably due to the environment I was in and having to grow up quickly. There was a person in my life who had anger issues and would take it out on me and my brothers. This person also often would make degrading comments towards me such as “You’re too fat” “You’re not good enough”.
I was 8/9 years old for god’s sake,
I was supposed to be a kid.
My confidence plummeted and from those years of abuse, emotionally and physically, I’ve never been the same.
When I was 13 years old I found out I had cancer, but luckily it had been caught early. After the tumour had been removed, I went on an emotional roller-coaster. I blamed it on the hormones that the tumour had created and the fact that I was hitting puberty. During those times I started associating my room as my safe place and I needed to spend as much time as possible in there, on my laptop. It was fine being in there for the first few months and I used the excuse of being sore from my surgery.
I had started to fluctuate in weight, because by 14 I already had been on and off dieting from about the age of 10. Back then I had more good periods then bad, so during good periods of time I would be motivated and be able to stick at dieting and exercise. During bad periods I would put the weight on again, from here on out the bad periods would just become more frequent. The weight made me feel so different from other girls, especially when I had been younger because girls were always smaller then me and I didn’t understand why I had all this flab.
Ever since about 15 my weight has continued to go up, which always made me feel worse and added to the anxiety and depression. I left my room less, cried more and then started self-harming. I would self-harm during angry and upset outbursts that became more frequent over the littlest things. It felt like a release. I would feel ecstasy.
Suicide was on my mind but I felt guilty for wanting to leave the people I love and care about. The other half of me thought they’d be better off without me because I’m hassle and difficult. I wish I could disappear sometimes because it would be less messy and I wouldn’t be a body for someone to find.
Up until recently, I’ve always labelled what I had as just “depression”, because I couldn’t explain it properly and I thought I was just sad.
It was deeper than that.
I would always second guess myself, question everything I do, try to have the perfect outfit and makeup for an outing. I wouldn’t want to go out in the first place.
I have an irrational fear about everything and I always just make up scenarios in my head that may never happen. Honestly, these scenarios range from simple things like making a fool of myself in front of new people right up to being kidnapped. I literally think of being kidnapped and it sounds crazy right??
Currently, I suffer with bouts of depression and I find it hard to leave my room and socialise. Anxiety makes leaving my room and socializing with my family, highly uncomfortable, while leaving the house and having to socialize with strangers or friends makes me sick to my stomach. Don’t even get me started on school! Throughout all these years I would always have 15-25 days off, each year, because I just didn’t have the motivation to get out of bed.
I can no longer live like this as its holding me back. I never do stuff that makes me happy, I never try new things and I’m just always on edge.
Recently, I have made some choices with regarding my life and pausing it, to put myself first. I attended a doctors appointment, about a month ago who put me on Propranolol and just 4 days ago I went back and she changed my meds so I’m now currently on Citalopram. I hope these meds are my first step to recovery and that soon enough I can get a job and start putting funding into my blog.
Right now I have next to nothing to write about apart from life experiences, but I definitely want to put more beauty/ fashion related topics up because it’s what makes me happy every day.
Thank you for reading this and if it reaches out to even one person and they want to leave me an e-mail about anything then I will be happy.
For a star to be born,
There is one thing that must happen:
A gaseous nebula must collapse.
This is not your destruction.
This is your birth.